How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids
The Everyday Life
It’s almost dinner time. You’re peeling and chopping while the stew is boiling on the stove.
Two of your kids are screaming and fighting. And another kid is in the corner crying that his Lego building has collapsed.
You’ve had a long hard day at the office and all you want right now is 5 minutes to yourself.
How do you react?
Do you yell “Stop crying!”. Or maybe “I don’t care who started it!”.
Do you ignore your kids, waiting for them to sort it out on their own? Or, do you try to find a solution by discussing with your kids?
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Do you yell at your child?
Yelling at your child, is one of the most common errors that we adults do, according to the Swedish psychologist Bo Hejlskov Elvén in his book Sulky, Rowdy, Rude?: Why kids really act out and what to do about it*.
Research shows that we yell more at our children today than we did 30 years ago. ”It used to be more common that we grabbed the child.
”But for some children, scolding may actually be worse than physical intervention,” Elvén says to DN.The most overwhelming key to a child's success is the #positive involvement of parents. - Jane… Klicka för att Tweeta
10 Things You Should Never Say To Your Kids
But then, how is one to reprimand a child doing wrong?
To discuss with the child at its level, and to try to come up with a solution is much better.
Although it will test your patience, I promise that you will get a more positive life and a more peaceful child, if you replace the following phrases. Here are 10 things you should never say to your kids – and what you should say instead:
1. “I know it’s not fair, life’s not fair, get used to it.”
Well, I do know that this saying is absolutely true. But a four-year-old will never understand this, and it’s way too soon for them to learn it too. I want to teach my son that the world is a positive place where anything is possible. But by telling him that the world is an unfair place, makes the outlook for his future, negative.
Try to say, “I can tell that you’re upset about my decision.” Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Your kid too.
2. “Stop crying!”
It ain’t fun when your kid keeps crying or whining.
Sometimes it feels like it’s for nothing but the fact is that most of the times when a child is crying, it’s for a reason.
I find that most of the times when my son doesn’t stop crying, it’s because he’s either hungry or tired. And most of the times when I find him annoying, it’s because I’m hungry or tired…
“You look upset, what can I do to help?” is much better to say and with that phrase, you’re actually trying to find a solution.
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3. “Here, I’ll do it.”
You’re stressed. Your kid took forever to finish his breakfast and if you don’t hurry up, you’ll be late for work.
I know the feeling too well. But if you do everything for your child, they won’t learn to do things for themselves and becomes lazy (Read more about how kids become lazy at Beauty & Bedlam). Worst case scenario, they will think that you don’t believe in them.
By saying “Let’s do it together!” you’ll teach your kid teamwork and eventually, to do things by himself.
4. “I don’t like you right now.”
Hold it right there! Don’t you ever say this to your child!
There is never an excuse for making your child feel disliked or unwanted. Even if your child hits you or calls you a name, you don’t dislike them. Am I right?
The truth is that there’s nothing your kids can do to make you not liking them.
“I don’t like what you’re saying/doing right now” is way more close to the truth.
5. “Don’t do that! No more drawing for you.”
Yeah, you’re right. That one isn’t all that terrible to say.
But it has quite a negative ring to it, right?
My son loves to draw. And he LOVES to draw on walls, my bed, the floor, the fridge, and everything else that’s not allowed. And yes, he’s four. He knows the rules. But sometimes he needs to be reminded that “Walls are not for drawing on, paper is for drawing.”
6. “I can’t hear you!”
Is something wrong with your hearing?
No, I didn’t think so. But that’s practically what you’re saying.
You need to be clear when speaking to children. What do you really want them to do? By saying “Please speak louder/more clearly” instead, you let your child know what you want them to do and avoid being misunderstood.
7. “Be quiet!”
When your kids are already yelling, it’s easy to just scream out something on a reflex. They are yelling and you’re trying to get them to quiet down by yelling. Most of the times this won’t work.
Messages that are spoken out loudly, are the ones that often does not get heard. The next time that your kids are yelling, try to calmly ask them to “Please lower your voice.”Messages that are spoken out loudly, are the ones that often does not get heard. Klicka för att Tweeta
8. “Stop hitting!”
Fighting siblings can be a handful. And children who hit their parents can be even more frustrating.
But, I’ve found that most times when a child hits you, it’s because they can’t express what they’re feeling. Maybe they’re missing the right vocabulary or they just don’t understand what they’re feeling.
Help your child to put words on their feelings and ask them to “Please keep your hands to yourself.”
9. “Why can’t you ever clean up after yourself?”
Oh, cleaning. Do we as moms ever do anything other than picking up after other family members? It would be really neat if we could get our little ones to pick up after themselves.
I for one, am against using cleaning as punishment.
Instead of quilting your child into cleaning. Try to ask them nicely by saying “It would really be helpful if you would put away your toys when you’re done playing.”
10. “I don’t care who started it!”
Well, you should care! If you don’t care, then the child that started it is free to do whatever they want, while the victim will be blamed equally. To me, this is just bad parenting.
And you should definitely care wheatear your child acted out of aggression or self-defense.
It’s better to solve the problem by discussing with your kids. “You two are really angry with each other. Why don’t you both tell me what happened.”
Seek help if needed
On some days, it’s going to be really easy to choose to replace these phrases. But most of the times, when you’re feeling tired, hungry, stressed, overwhelmed or frustrated, it’s going to be challenging and it will test your patience.
Take a deep breath. Or two. Or even three if it’s one of those overwhelming days. Then choose what to say.
If things feel real frustrating, it might be time to schedule a coaching session with a parent coach. It’s never wrong to ask for help when things feel overwhelming.
Which of the phrases above are used most frequently in your home? I really need to work on replacing ”I can’t hear you!”
Let’s chat down below! Got any questions, comments or insights?
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